Yesterday I had one of the most profound experiences in my spiritual growth of my life. I participated in an 8-hour sound meditation where a man named Alexandre Tannous played various instruments to emit harmonic overtures to effect our brain waves. He used sound to put us in a meditative state, along with other breathing exercises and equanimous listening to help us disengage from discursive thinking. So much of the healing and work I’ve been doing has finally come together and yesterday was the glue – the rewiring of my subconscious that put all those seeds of knowledge into actualization. I feel as if I’ve experienced a rebirth.
Here are some of my most significant realizations:
I am safe. I have all the love I need inside me.
At one point, I had an out of body experience where I saw myself as a little girl and felt the feelings of uncertainty, lack of safety and trust that I’ve struggled with my whole life. I then saw myself as an elder. I had white hair and I was beaming. I then went into my elder self and felt what she felt. She was so powerful, so full of love, she created an empire and was full of light and peace. Then, the ‘elder me’ went to my ‘child me’ and took her hand. She told her that everything is going to be okay. She let the little girl peer into her future self. Suddenly, the little girl understood. She realized that she was safe, she was love and that everything was going to work out. She felt it. She then chose to do life differently – from a place of safety, love, abundance, and faith that everything was going to work out. Then the little girl and the elder merged into one – to present day me.
When we are triggered, we revert back to our child self. The same fear, insecurity and pain emerges like a fresh wound reopening. We then react to it the only way we know how, and if we haven’t done some serious work to change our patterns and reactions, we lash out, we attack, we put our guard up – our animal brain takes over and we act in a way that does not serve us or heal us. The vicious cycle continues.
Going through this exercise changed my baseline. I have a knowing, a feeling of safety that will be the root of where I act from. I will choose to respond with this new baseline versus the old one. It’s time.
I am epic love.
My whole life I’ve been searching and yearning for love. For completion. For someone to validate my worthiness. This has created an energy of angst and neediness and expectation in my romantic relationships. I had a visualization where I saw myself through eyes of the people who love me the most – my dear friends, my mom, my sisters, my aunts, my dad, and more – I saw through their eyes how they saw me, and I felt tremendous gratitude for all of those people who have believed in me and cared for me.
You see, I’ve always been looking to a romantic partner to create epic love. I realized that I’ve been looking for love in the wrong places- I’ve been looking outside when really it’s within. I realized that I am whole – that I am epic love and I have an abundance to give, to share and to receive. I’m excited to create relationships of epic love with all the meaningful people in my life.
Soulmates come in many different forms.
Love is not a limited resource. You can have many different kinds of love, with different people. One is not better or worse, the dynamic is always unique in its own way. For example, I have so much love for my friend Cecily – who I see as a soulmate. She fulfills so many of my emotional needs and we have an organic rhythm and ease that just fits. That love is just as important as love of the romantic kind. There are so many different kinds of love you can have with different people, it doesn’t need to be confined just to a romantic partner. So my friends, stop searching for a person to complete you – the love you seek is within you. And once you realize it, you can create that epic, next level love and connection with many beautiful souls.
My life’s work – I’ve got a big job to do.
There was a visualization I had where there was a group of women in white. They were queens and priestesses from another century. They bestowed on me the responsibility to help people. My job is to help heal hearts, to spread love and inspiration. They passed the torch to me and told me I need to step into my power so that I can do my life’s work.
You are what you love
I used to have anxiety when I liked someone and disappointed if the outcome didn’t turn out the way I wanted. During the meditation, I visualized the few men whom I’ve had meaningful, romantic connections with. I recalled the special micro-moments of love shared, remembering every detail of how I felt during those moments and relived it. I felt enormous gratitude as I basked in that warmth of how it feels when someone respects, admires and cares about you. What a gift. I realized that the men I’ve been drawn to share a very similar energy imprint. I’m not attached to the outcome with anyone in particular, because I know eventually, when the time is right for me to be in a committed relationship, it will be with someone who embodies this archetype and set of values. I know how I want to feel when I’m in a relationship, as I’ve already felt it, so my intention is to manifest more of that. I have faith that the details of when, with whom and how, will work itself out.
Until then, I will continue leading with love. If I want to love someone, I will. I won’t let insecurity take my power away in fear of if and how someone returns my affection. A quote from the movie Adaptation sums this up – when Charlie asks his brother why he still showed love for a woman who never returned his feelings :
Donald ” I loved her”.
Charlie ” But she laughed at and left you”
Donald ” I know. But my love is mine. Nobody can take that away off me, even she. It’s her business. You are what you love, not what loves you.”
If love and giving comes from a place of authenticity, and not ego and neediness, it can only do good. It can only create light. I trust in the bigger picture and am not worried about the details. My love story is already in the making.
The greatest lessons often come disguised in scary packages.
The hardest times of my life – the disappointments, the hurt, the pain – I have realized how each challenge provided a major lesson in my spiritual journey. I no longer resent my father for his way of raising me – I feel gratitude for him because I would never be where I am today if it wasn’t for those hardships. Same goes for anyone else I’ve had painful moments with. I realize that people have tried the best they could, they showed love and care to the best of their capacity. I learned compassion for these people. Any person who ever “disappointed” me, was really another gift adding to my personal power and wisdom.
I feel different today. I don’t feel yearning or angst. I feel a calmness and peace that I can’t quite articulate in words. I feel extremely grateful and full of love and abundance. My baseline has changed. As my birthday approaches next month, I know I’m going to live this next chapter of my life as the powerful woman that I’ve spent the last three decades building to become.
Thank you for being a part of my journey.
Photography by William Coles