This time last year, I was in Paris with the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. I remember praying, saying thank you to the universe, for the relationship and love I had in my life. I trusted my partner and loved him with every ounce of my heart and soul. He was “the one”, so I thought.
That is, until a week after our trip, a boys night out turned into him making a series of poor and destructive decisions that would ultimately break everything we had into pieces – including my heart. He cheated on me with a previous coworker of mine, and upon coming home at 4AM, lied to me and blamed me for being paranoid. What happened in the next 48 hours after was a blur of lies, and a painful slow discovery that the person I admired and adored, was not the person I thought I knew.
I have purposely not written about what happened in my breakup because I felt I needed some time to heal and process the situation before publishing, and because I didn’t want my story to come from a place of spite or revenge. Also, it has taken me a lot of courage to share this very personal experience with you, because I felt a lot of shame in what happened. As much as I can say I’m a confident and strong woman, you can bet that I doubted my own self-worth, and asked myself what was so wrong with me for the man who supposedly loved me to throw it all away for an hour with someone who “meant nothing” to him? I was embarrassed, hurt and my self-esteem was damaged.
Pain
I believe that everyone makes mistakes, and often, it is not the mistakes that defines a person’s character, but what they do afterward. I hoped in my heart, that he would redeem himself. That he would be accountable for his actions, work for my forgiveness and try whatever he could to make things right. I hung on to faith that he would step up to be the man I thought he was. But he didn’t. And maybe that’s the most disappointing part of it all.
At that time, I was living with him, I had lost my job two months prior and had no income. My health deteriorated, I stopped eating, lost over 15 pounds in a matter of weeks. I experienced my first panic attack. Without going into detail, I learned that during that period of depression, my immune system was very weakened, resulting in some serious, potential long-term health issues. I was in such an ultimate low where I was not rational, nor could I see the end to the suffering, and had extremely destructive thoughts. It felt like everything had fallen down at once.
Regardless of the support from friends and family during such a time, I felt terribly alone. To have your trust breached and your heart so wounded feels like there is a dark cloud of misery that follows you everywhere you go. It’s with you no matter how you try to distract yourself. Even in sleep you cannot escape, as pain haunts you in the form of nightmares. You feel trapped – because there is nothing you can say or do to make it go away.
During this time, I reached out to him for help. In his own pain, he did not know how to handle me. So instead of responding with compassion and care, he’d ignore me, and I felt like an inconvenient bother (and plain crazy). I watched the man that I loved, that I shared deep secrets and sacred moments with, in a blink of an eye, treat me like I was nothing. It was as if one day, I was the world to him, and the next moment, I was irrelevant.
Reflecting a Year Later
I’ve worked very hard to pick myself up, turn my pain into inspiration to be stronger, smarter and wiser. But a year later, I still have moments where sadness, confusion and anger creep up on me and I break down in tears. These tears go way beyond my experience of betrayal – they stem down to the little girl inside, whose deepest insecurity is not being good enough. That little girl who never seemed to be able to get love and approval from her father, comes out and wonders if she will ever be worthy of love from a man.
Perhaps he just wasn’t capable of showing me care the way I expected. Perhaps I was such an emotional wreck at the time that he felt any efforts would be futile. Perhaps he had lost all hope, and cutting me off was the only way he knew how to deal with the situation. Perhaps I just lived in denial during our relationship, and lived in a fantasy I created in my own head. I do not want to paint him as a bad person – sure, he is someone who did something “bad” – but I know deep in my heart, his intention was not to hurt me. What happened came from a very unhealthy place of disconnection, and I have to take accountability for the fact that I attracted him into my life in the first place. After all, you attract people of a similar health level.
Trying to Understand
I do not know what he felt, what he thought or how he handled his pain and shame. I was one of the few people he let in his life, and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him either. I’m sure there are some deep-rooted issues of his own which caused him to make the decisions he did. As much as I am the one who was betrayed, there is a different sort of pain he had to deal with – guilt. I’m not sure what is worse. But it’s likely both are pretty awful to experience.
Feeling betrayed is a dark place that can control your thoughts and behavior. In the process of dealing with the pain, I dehumanized him. I lost compassion and forgot that his actions came from a place of his own darkness. I dismissed that he was trying his best to cope as he knew how. All the great memories, the times we laughed, the special moments, they have become a blur in the bitterness. And that is such a shame, because just because the ending was bad, it doesn’t dilute the incredible moments we once shared – and to look back only to see the bad ending is unfortunate and a disservice to myself.
To this day, I still haven’t figured out if there was one big lesson the universe was trying to teach me. Perhaps it was a series of lessons, from how to choose my future partner, how to recognize red flags, to determining what values I truly stand for. I’ve replayed that day in my head hundreds of times, hoping that maybe if I could understand exactly why everything happened the way it did, that I’d be able to completely move on and feel at peace. But no matter how I analyze it, or how I put the pieces together, it doesn’t make sense. I’ll probably never figure it out, and I hope for the day when I stop caring to.
The ego in me feels frustrated, that twelve months later, I still feel the remnants of that heartbreak. Sometimes it comes in waves so strong that I feel I have made no progress at all. And sometimes I look back and am thankful that all this happened – because I’ve grown so much from the experience. There are ups and downs, and I am proud to say that there are a lot more ups than there are downs now. And slowly, the hope that real, authentic love does exist is starting to return.
Learning from the Experience
It’d be a lie to say that I don’t miss him. I am reminded of him often – from the food I eat, the places I visit, to some of the jokes that only he and I were in on. And behind the anger, the hurt, the betrayal, there is still love and care that remains. That love will eventually fade, just like the memories will, and one day, so will the pain.
When you feel pain and suffering, it’s hard to see the light or how the experience fits in to the bigger picture of things. Hitting such a low was not an easy feat, however, I feel as if it helped me mature. In the last year, I’ve become very clear on my values and have been attracting new opportunities and people that are aligned with those values. I’m healthier both spiritually and physically than I ever have been in my life, and there’s been a lot of positive momentum in my career and self-growth. I’ve given myself permission to be vulnerable and have allowed myself to process the plethora of emotions and old wounds that were triggered from the event. There’s been some deep childhood stuff that surfaced after being suppressed for over two decades, and ripping off the band-aid has forced me to work through them.
I remember some of the darkest moments I faced after I found out he cheated on me. I felt like I was completely broken and I wanted him to fix me. Now, I realize, I wasn’t broken. I was just bruised. And those bruises, through gentle care, eventually heal. I look back and think about that scared little girl, sobbing as if it was the end of the world, I know now, the world was not ending, rather, it just had to hit a low in order for it to get a lot better. And it did.
If You’ve Been Cheated On
If you are reading this and have experienced or are experiencing something similar, I hope that this article gives you some peace of mind, that what you are feeling is normal. The hurt, anger, denial, thirst for revenge – those are all part of the emotional range that comes with betrayal. Have faith that things will get better and the feeling of suffering will eventually ease. However, keep in mind that if you don’t process the experience, and allow the wound to truly heal, you will only endure the same suffering in some shape or form in the future.
I hope you allow yourself to be vulnerable, break down as you need to, and get real honest with yourself so that you can grow from the experience, and in turn, become a healthier person. Because when you yourself are healthy, you will start attracting healthy people and situations in to your life. A wise friend once told me, “like attracts like”.
These struggles in our lives are opportunities for us to heal old wounds and to grow. They are catalysts that have to be triggered in order for you to overcome them. These experiences may not feel good at the time, but they are not good or bad – they are just a part of the human journey. And you have the choice to deal with them in a healthy way or not. I hope you choose the former, because it only gets better from there. I promise.
♥
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VERY well-written article! It’s difficult to come to terms with such an event, and writing about it is sometimes even harder. I have been through a very similar situation, the difference being I caught her in the act. I’ll never forget that day, her telling me she loved me, I’m always on her mind, etc. There are a million and a half things I could have done differently that would not have resulted in this, though. Explaining would surely take up more space than this comment box will allow. In short, for years I was acting like I’d be completely fine without her when in fact, I turned into a complete wreck. ‘Broken’, if you will. I’m glad you can relate and wrote this article. Thank you.
I went through a similar experience just a month ago. We were in long distance relationship for one year, and for various reasons that had both parties to blame, an emotional rift formed. It escalated to the point that every insecurity and fear I experienced was left to fester for months until a true emotional low. But after a month of break up (this event happened a month ago), she confirmed that all my insecurities were true and she had passively allowed me to be influenced by them for months. I had wanted to stay friends before this, but I couldn’t help being angry, at her and myself. The anger towards myself is because I’m still young and I believe that I can’t just give up on anyone. Even when the relationship was unhealthy and damaging my own mental state, I believed that she could be as she was before that, and the relationship could improve. My anger towards myself is directed towards this mental state which led me to so much pain, but I’ve reflected on it and I know that’s the kind of person I want to be. That anger towards her is almost gone, but I’d like to know how you overcame the disappointment in your own self, because I’d like to continue my life in a similar way to before I was hurt, simply changing some of the conditions (i.e. the girl) to allow for a different and better ending. Thank you for reading this. Any help is appreciated immensely.
Hello have u already recovered? I am going thru this pain…so painful…
Hi Katie,
I understand how painful this grieving stage is. It is incredibly hard and uncomfortable. Do know that this is only a stage – it will pass. Your brain is adjusting and detaching, and only time will allow those attachments to fade. I am over this, as it happened a few years ago, and I can look back now and see how going through that helped me grow and change my life course.
I trust the same will happen for you.
Sending you love and light,
Amy
This is the exact life I have been living for the last 3 months. As far as I knew. He is/was my world, we loved each other. I told a very dear friend that “I am so fortunate, I don’t have to worry about him ever doing something like that to me.” He works over the road, and every night and throughout the day he would send me messages ” I love you” “Hope you are having a good day” “Good morning love, hope you slept well, I love you” My heart is exploding with sadness. I knew something was wrong, I confronted him as I had many times before, and finally he said ” I met someone” “I kissed her” a month went by and I said to him I am going to the Dr because I have something not right, “did you sleep with her” he said ” I am telling you no” a week later after going to the Dr without telling me he said “I have been lying to you, I slept with her in our camper, and I have Clamydia.” I got a call three days later that my results were positive. We are to be married December 13 2014. He is very remorseful as he tells me and leads me on to believe but all I can do is cry and worry when he is away that he has found another. I know I’m being dumb and I just need to be away from him. I guess I’m not looking for an answer, because I know what the answer is. Just looking to vent and cry with all of you that have been through the same. It’s my decision, and mine alone, I just have to come to that conclusion.
I am so so sorry. I know this is old. How are you doing?
I’ve just read this article and it’s so nice to feel like I’m not going mad! My husband cheated on me seven years ago and my world was turned upside down. He was my everything, soul mate, lover or so I thought! I have given him a chance however recently he received a text from a number that was not in his contacts. No real issue I thought, however I asked who it was and he said my nephew ! After a full blown argument it appeared it was a women from work, it was so innocent but he felt the need to lie to protect my feelings or do he said. 6 wks later only a few days ago another text under a males name, without going into a long story I knew ftom the text it wasn’t this said person. I put the number in my phone and the watts app picture was of a women ! I challenged this and yet again it was to protect me. I do have trust issues and I do love my husband but he really doesn’t help matters. I’m at the point where I think go I walk away ? If only life was simple
thank you for sharing this experience.
it brought tears to my eyes.
its so hard.
Thank you for reading…
I know it’s hard. It’s a crazy, almost unreal pain. But it heals through time, and if you do the work to heal properly, and keep hope and love as your compass, you will develop your muscle for resilience and grow a lot from the experience. Sending you love.
Thank you for sharing your story…it truly touched my heart..I had experienced this pain 8 years ago with my husband and sad to say he relapsed with the same person again last August …I had finally gotten over the first devastation and trusted and felt confident in our relationship only to be destroyed all over again..I decided to forgive again and it is extremely hard this time around..every advance I thought I had made in our marriage has been completely annihilated. I have been trying to rely on my faith and time to heal myself, however this time around it doesn’t seem to be helping, or I’m not moving forward fast enough. I have a lot of damage inside and have been working on me forever, but affairs make all your hard work feel useless. I do know time heals all because I have done it before, however just having a hard time forgetting the pain . Reading your article has helped me to feel like I am not alone and there are plenty women who are experiencing similar issues. I still do sob like its the end of the world but I know one day I will see the bigger picture and grow stronger from it.
Amy this was so well written – thank-you. When going through the pain of infidelity it is so helpful to have someone – anyone – out there that has been through it and come through the other side. The sun will shine again, but when one is in the depths of suffering from a broken heart it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it. Articles like this are helpful.
One tiny bone to pick – I used to believe that people are attracted to those as emotionally healthy or sick as oneself. I no longer think this is necessarily true, and your comment that “I realize now that I must take accountability for the fact that I attracted him into my life in the first place” is wrong. This belief further victimises the sufferer. You DID NOT see betrayal coming – and nothing I did (indeed nothing any of us have done) justifies betrayal by a partner. We are attracted to who we are attracted to – and they us, and if at some point we “aren’t enough” for them – they can own that reality and leave. Cheating is weak, selfish and a decision made by one person – and that person alone is responsible and must own the blame and accountability – all of it.
Blessings and light for the journey and thank-you again for sharing your heart.
I agree in regards to the “I attracted him” responsibility you placed on yourself. When I met my cheating ex, I was in a very good, solid, place for dating. I communicated my needs, feelings, fears, desires and always wanted to honor and respect his as well. I loved him deeply. He knew it too.
We did not “attract” deceit and betrayal. How does that even fit? I myself had never deceived or betrayed him, nor cheated on anyone I have ever dated. If we truly attract our own type, I should have had nothing to worry about.
I’m in the process of going thru my own valley of tears and after doing a lot of reading on the internet I found this article of greatest value! Extremely well written and perfectly true to the point. After 20 years of marriage and three kids my wife told me that she cheated on me with several other men. She only told me, because now she’s pregnant from now of those. I truly feel like dying. Thanks for this great article which gave me further insight. Thanks a million.
The pain is to real. Unbearably real. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. My husband and I have been together eight years, married for four. I’m 24 he is 26. My husband had a year and a half affair that started while I was pregnant with our second child. Now the other woman is pregnant with his child. It’s a girl, and she is due agust 13..my birthday is August 13..he is very remorseful and is doing everything he can to make it up to me. We have been going to councling almost four months now. My family doesn’t know anything. Only a few friends know what’s going on. I feel so alone. The woman was an ex coworker of my husband’s. He has cut all contact with her as far as I know. But she only lives one min down the road from his work, and only 15 min away from our home. Moving is not an option. I’m a stay at home mom, and I take care of his elderly bedridden grandpa. She knew we were married and that I was pregnant. I would come into my husband’s work and hug and kiss him and say I love you right in front of her!! She was married at the time to, but left her husband shortly after becoming involved with mine. She had been sleeping with a mutual friend of my husband and I before he moved. so this woman has a track record. My husband claims he doesn’t want to be a part of the child’s life, just pay the child support. I don’t want to take part of this child’s life either. but i fear one day he will feel guilty and reach out to her and the child behind my back. How am I supposed to heal from this? I’ll always have the constant reminder every month I watch out money go out. Every time my birthday rolls around.. The chances of us running into her are high. We live in a really small town and eventually everything will come to light. I’m torn between staying and working it out for our children, or leaving and eventually starting over. It seems the pain grows everyday. I have ups and downs. More downs than anything. Councling was helping in the beginning, but now it doesn’t seem to be. he Has done all the necessary things, cut contact, I have access to everything..but it’s me that can’t seem to get a grip on my emotions. What’s a torn devistated soul to do???!! Anyone been through an affair that resulted in pregnancy? If so what was the outcome? Please, someone, answer me back. I feel so alone, scared and broken. Our therapist wants to put me on Prozac to help me cope.