Why I Won’t Date You Again

You’re on a date. That’s half the battle. So what can make it go so horribly wrong that you go from the “have potential” bucket to the “you’re a douchebag” bucket? Usually there is critical point when the interest level drops from ‘maybe’ to ‘never’.

Since a little dating 101 is never a bad thing, I’m going to share a few pointers for the bachelors out there.

Here’s to “what not to do…”

Mr. Hide Yo’ Baby Hide Yo’ Wife – If you are married and have a baby on the way, do not lie about your marital status, leave your own baby shower to take me for bento box and then accidentally leave your Skype on for your wife to contact me.

Mr. Alpha male – I get it, you’re dominant. It’s extremely intense and overbearing every time you make a power play to reinforce that you’re in charge. If we’re not even past our amuse-bouche and you keep pawing at me, invading my personal space and ordering me around, I can guarantee we’re not going to make it to dessert.

Mr. Gangster on a Budget – Do not count a wad of cash wrapped in a rubber band while eating at Red Robins. And on that note, why are you taking me to Red Robbins in the first place?!

Mr. Procreator – Do not tell me that you have 5 kids and think I’ll still want to make out with you.

Mr. Sleeze – Do not hit on me all night and then when I’m not looking, hit on my best friend. Girls tell each other everything. We talk…A LOT.

Mr. Sociopath – After you conveniently forgot your wallet at a very expensive restaurant, got caught in a web of lies because you couldn’t keep track of your stories, and then tried to cash in one of my checks, I Googled you. The verdict’s in. You’re a con artist and a fraud. Looks like our next date will be in court.

Mr. Needy – Probably should refrain from telling me you love me the first time we meet.

Mr. Online Creep – On a dating site, do not use any of the following usernames: “SpankYouVeryMuch”, “JuanFever or “Daaa Money”.

Mr. Unemployed – I know these are recessionary times, but dude, do not ask me to hire you. Pitching while flirting isn’t exactly a turn on.

Ok…I think that’s a good start. And unfortunately, yes, all of the above are true stories. Happy dating!

 

15 Comments

  • Reply September 12, 2009

    koko

    you are hilarious! this is awesome !

  • Reply September 15, 2009

    jc

    Woah … these sound all like personal experiences. Hilarious!

  • Reply September 23, 2009

    Mannie

    Your blog is awesome! Saw your article in the 24hr. keep on writing pretty interesting to read while on my coffee break.

  • Reply October 5, 2009

    Katy

    Hahaha I love these tips!

  • Reply June 20, 2010

    AdelineEr

    HAHAHAHAHA it sounds like you had quite a few pretty interesting encounters. Lol

  • Reply November 1, 2010

    Robert

    what’s in it for me if I date you? I get to pay for you evening and listen to you go on about yourself all evening!

    I would rather date a nice girl who goes to church and plays the panio

  • Reply November 5, 2010

    Frank

    Err Anti-Sellout – that’s a bit creepy that you have studied her photos to find proof of her with Asians?

  • Reply November 7, 2010

    Kaylee

    Anti-Sellout: she didn’t say she only dates white guys; the guy on the dating site did. Also, I don’t think the number of white/asian guys she takes pictures with/of necessarily relate to her preference of race in dating. And if she does prefer white guys, perhaps it’s because she relates to them better – it doesn’t have to be a racist reason..

    Ouch, sorry you had to go through all these bad dates.

  • Reply November 10, 2010

    Jessica G

    This is hilarious stuff. Nice work!

  • Reply December 22, 2010

    Nona Mills

    Woah … these sound all like personal experiences. Hilarious!

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