The Right Person is Made, Not Found: Nadeen Neary

women in vancouver

Recently we interviewed former bachelor about town, Chris Neary on his thoughts on changing from bachelorhood to fatherhood. This week, we sit down with Chris’s wife, Nadeen Neary, who shares her side of the story.

Name: Nadeen Neary, Fitness & Nutrition Coach

Relationship status: Married, with a newborn

What is love to you?

Love is patience and acceptance. It’s knowing your partner’s strengths, weaknesses, mistakes and history, and choosing to be with him regardless. It’s more about choosing the person because of those failures and not in spite of them, those are the bits that tell you truth about someone.

How do you contribute to having a healthy relationship?

When I find myself getting upset, instead of expecting my partner to change I am quick to articulate what’s going on within “me” first. Now I look into the origin of my issue, communicate how his actions affect me, and propose a solution. This way, resentment doesn’t fester into something unmanageable. We get over things instead of letting bitterness poison the relationship.

Why did you choose him?

I didn’t choose him. We grew into each other. People put themselves under a lot of pressure to meet the right person whereas I believe the right person emerges out of the right relationship. The right person is made and not found.

What’s a major difference from your single days compared to now?

When I was single, it was all about me and I had a mentality of “what I could get from you?” I was looking for who was going to make me happy. Now, I’m part of a team. It’s nobody else’s job to make me happy. I’m responsible for my own happiness.

How important is timing?

Timing is probably more important for guys because women seem to be always in ‘ready’ mode. Men are different. They are hard wired to want to sleep with multiple women but I suspect that is unfulfilling after you’ve done enough of it. Eventually they realize they want to have kids, a family. They want something more fulfilling. That’s where timing is important, because choosing a guy before that switch is romantic suicide.

Is there a biological clock?

Yes. If a woman wants to have a baby she has to do it within a certain period.  But there’s plenty of time to research, ask questions, experiment, make mistakes and inevitably get it right.

Tips on how to meet someone compatible?

Do activities you enjoy and you will meet people who already share a common interest. Bars and clubs are usually filled with people looking just to hook up.

What advice do you have for single men?

When you’re serious and want to really find someone, you have to stop playing games. It’s quite simple. If you like someone, behave like you like them. Be consistent. Don’t say one thing and do another.

What advice do you have for single women?

Women tend to think about the long term right away. Try not to get into that mindset before you actually get to know the person. Otherwise, you’ll get caught up in the idea of a person.

Being together for over 7 years, how do you keep the intimacy alive?

We do things for us. You have to always work on it and you can’t just sit back. We plan things, go on trips and do things together to keep it exciting so that we’re not complacent.

What do you love about him the most

I love that he doesn’t take any BS from anyone. You can put him in any situation, and he will thrive. Chris has courage and integrity. I look up to him in many ways. He makes me a better person because I get to be around him.

Any last words of wisdom?

Ask questions of others and yourself. Ever since I became a mom I realized how much I don’t know.

What would you tell your younger self

Don’t think you know everything. I used to do things for the sake of trying it for the experience, even when I was uncomfortable with it. Now I know you don’t have to experience everything to know it’s not for you. You can say no. You can read a book.

 

 

4 Comments

  • Reply December 4, 2013

    Antoine

    “The Right Person is Made, Not Found”

    That’s a brilliant line – and so true. Of course, there has to be a good foundation to build “the right person” on, but that’s a given.

    I was intrigued with Ms Neary’s point about single men needing to “be consistent”. I think that’s advice that most singles need to take, male and female. I blog about relationships and writing about my recent past makes me see things more clearly. I definitely can see that some women I went out with were just as confused as us guys can be; whether it’s mixed signals (http://yinology.org/mixed-signals/) or just general chaos (http://yinology.org/questionable/), I think both men and women suffer from this.

    Great article!

  • Reply December 11, 2013

    Jeremy

    Those first 3 points highly resonate with me.

    I find that too often people look for the “right” one that can make us happy, when we should really be just focusing on ourselves first. No one is responsible for our happiness other than ourselves.

    And the “right” person is often made during the process, not at the point of “choosing” someone. Instead of thinking about how each other makes one happy or sad, I like to think about how we can develop and grow the relationship into a healthy one.

    Great article.

    Jeremy

  • Reply December 22, 2013

    elly

    Very inspiring words. Really love cant be defined without patience and acceptance. Knowing a persons, history, weaknesses etc and still loving them regardless is priceless. The right person is indeed made not found. Lovely interview…

  • Reply May 2, 2016

    Kate Cox

    Great post! I found it after I wrote something similar on my own blog, and I liked it so much that I linked to it. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes as you go on inspiring others 🙂

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