After a breakup, you realize that on top of losing your romantic partner, you lose many other aspects of your life as well. Topping the list: community, family, companionship, security, stability, and the hardest one of them all – your sense of home.
It’s a scary feeling facing these losses when you’ve invested your energy and heart in creating these parts of your life with another person. Sometimes as a result of integrating two lives in a relationship, you lose some of your own individuality. So when the two of you detach from each other, it feels like parts of your being have been ripped apart. It feels like a large part of you is missing and suddenly, it’s as if you are no longer whole.
These moments feel terribly painful. But, remember, there was once a “you” before you, became a “we”. You’ll recall that there was a time where you were fully whole – without anyone completing you. There was once a time that you created community, family, stability, and security – all on your own. That you is still there. It may have leaned on the energy of another for a while, but that strength and independence is still within you. It always has been.
I’m learning to regain my sense of self, my identity, as a single. An exercise that has helped me, is listing everything I felt I “lost” after the breakup. Then, for each loss, I’ve determined different ways to regain that part back again, through my own means. For example, loss of community was a major casualty of my breakup. Thus, some action items for me to regain that community include increasing the amount of time spent with good friends, volunteering and spending more time with family. The missing still remains a backdrop, as it will for a while. But slowly I’ll regain these areas back again. And in the process I’m realizing the control I have over the creation of my life moving forward.
It’s been tough – since I’ve realized how much of my life and energy I poured into the notion of “us”. But my hope is that as I slowly rebuild, I will build my strength and find myself again. And then, someday, one day, I will meet another love again. And when I do, that person will not complete me. He will not make me. But he will add to the strong foundation I have already built. He will add to my life, not become it.
The road of healing is painful and sometimes I find myself in a very dark place. But I’m discovering that as shaken as I may be, my strength, my resilience, my self-worth and love are all within me. I may have lost my way for a while. But I’m finding my way home again. Slowly, but surely.
Your Worth
So, I’ve got my gardening tools out, and gloves on…ready to help build a beautiful garden in your community. I like lillies….what do you like? Let’s grow lots of it….so from blocks away, people can smell how gorgeous and wonderful Amy’s Garden is.
Though I’m far away, I’m thinking of you. You are a strong woman, Amy, and when you feel like you’re being pulled back into the dark hole, just let yourself go….let it suck you in. It’s okay to feel weak and vulnerable and sad – you can be honest with your feelings. But while you’re in it, just remember you’ve got a team of soldiers at the top of the deep well, with ropes in hand…ready to pull you out! PS: I’m solider #5 at the back, with the black and white pokadot helmut. Wave to me when you come out!
Love you so much Ames. Hang in there.
xoxo
I’ve recently found that Buddhist teachings have changed my life for the very better in a time where I have very little people in my life. The smaller your ego and desires the less mental suffering you will have.
Hi Amy,
Thank u for such openness. I hope the process of u writing this aricle has had a healing affect on ur life.
It’s clear ur passion and heart comes thru ur words.
It’s such a sensitive decision to be an ‘us’ instead of an ‘I’ and one I’ve learned cannot be rushed. I learned a lot from my last relationship primarily how impulse alone does not create a solid friendship of mutual care and respect.
I am a believer in friendships and family create support and a relationship is so special of a bond that it can only come when I’m ready to start a family of my own.
Otherwise what’s the point if it will end?
Breaking a relationship is hurtful to both.