Rewriting the Script

dead flowers Kellene Giloff

“Sometimes, you have to create a world in your head that is magical, because that’s the only way to cope with chaos.”

There was a lot of dysfunction and chaos in my childhood.  I witnessed a lot of dishonesty, betrayal, disrespect, hurt, resentment, guilt, and disappointment. I learned at a young age that survival meant to always look out for yourself and not to depend on anyone (because they’ll just let you down). I never felt loved from my father, and I never felt good enough. You could say I was a girl with “daddy issues.” And that girl would spend her entire adolescence trying to feel loved, approved and accepted by men.

I used the chaos from my childhood as fuel to succeed and over-achieve. My career benefited from it, but  I became so used to brushing aside issues to the point that I could no longer feel them.

Now, 30 years later, those long ignored issues have surfaced with great  intensity. As I am dealing with the remnants of a traumatic breakup, those deep-rooted issues of distrust, not feeling good enough, yearning for fulfilment from a man – all those insecurities that were born in my upbringing are starting to resurface. In fact, the breakup was really just a band-aid being ripped off, forcing the issues to rise to the top. And now I am left with a choice –  to deal with them and rewrite the core of my perspectives and behaviour, or, cover it up with another band-aid.

In my journey of self-discovery, my intention is to not put blame on my parents, but rather, to understand the root of my fears, insecurities and pain points so that I can grow past them.  The memories of the events of my past may stay the same, but my internalization of such events don’t have to.

I think the first step of growth is understanding the fundamental root of why we think and act the way we do. Once we see where the birthplace is, we can then have a better understanding of ourselves and become conscious of the driving forces of our behaviour. And once we do that, we can start to change the habits of our thought patterns and actions. We may not be able to change our childhood, our upbringing or our history, but we can change our reaction to it.

I’m embarking on a journey to change my perspectives, so that I can change my life. Here’s to rewriting the script…

Photo credit: Kellene Giloff

4 Comments

  • Reply June 11, 2012

    Jen

    Thank you for this. This blog is so easy to relate to; to the “dot”. =)

  • Reply June 11, 2012

    Serena Pahal

    Perfectly accurate – we all have a ‘story’ and we all know band aids fall off! A deep dive into who you are will serve to show your strengths and core values that should be the compass to guide to your life! Keep us posted Miss Fabulous

  • Reply July 2, 2012

    Winking Doll

    Hi Ms Fabulous,

    I chanced upon your blog after reading your article on 24h Vancouver on 29-Jun-2012.

    Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to your experience. As far as I can recall, the dysfunction in my childhood was already there even from age 2. In my case, I am Daddy’s girl and even Grandpa’s favourite girl, but Mommy’s nightmare. As a result, my scab is not so much over my interactions with men, but my interactions with women (especially my mother, even to this day). Rewriting the script for me involves immigrating to Canada — allowing the distance to bring new perspective on my personal issues.

    Just wanted to say, “Keep it up!” and may we enjoy our journey to a new perspective.

  • Reply September 21, 2012

    Bri

    Your Blog is sooo Great! I love it because you are very honest and real, and you come from a place I totally relate to. Your blogs have been real eye openers for me. Thank you!

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