My letter to a dear friend going through a breakup…(an old post from 2009)


Breakups are never easy…and even though you survived your first one a few years ago, for some reason, it doesn’t get “easier” the next time it happens…it’s just different. You hurt just the same, in fact, the magnitude may feel even greater. Your heart feels like it’s been shattered into a million pieces and you just don’t know how to fix it. Your cries are all-consuming, like convulsive body earthquakes. But as you know, time heals, distance makes it easier and eventually your weeps will turn into delicate tears, and those tears will eventually turn into a nostalgic memory.

I am proud of you. It takes a lot of strength to do the right thing – for yourself and for the other person. Our emotions, feelings and chemical reactions can rule us –and it is the easier route to fall into what just “feels good” at the time instead of doing what is ultimately healthy and positive in the long run.

A breakup is very similar to the different stages of mourning the loss of someone. You will go through the rollercoaster of emotions. First, expect a lot of sadness, loneliness and a whole lot of missing. You will doubt your decision and make justifications. The next stage is denial. At this point, you will probably attempt to establish relations again. This part is very tricky. Most attempt this because the attachment is still so powerful – but be aware that it does prolong the healing and “getting over” process. Anger will definitely be another stage – where you resent, recount only the bad memories, the fights, and feel victimized. There will be a lot of blame here, and a feeling that life is unfair. Then it circles back again to sadness, where you think you’ll never open your heart again. You will tread like a fragile bird, afraid of anything that can potentially hurt you again.

Self-proclamations usually surface at this point: “I’ll never love/trust/open-up again!” But these beliefs will only jade you. And if you hold on to the cynicism too long, you may lose out on the next door that was meant to open.

It’s been over half a year since my heartbreak, and to be honest, while my everyday is filled with great friends, tons of joy and lots and lots of laughter, there are moments, especially at night, when I’m alone, that I have my moments of overwhelming emotion. I still struggle with the fact that someone who I loved so dearly left me and so easily started a new life with someone else.  So when you see how I build up impossible walls, and fight so hard to protect my ego and heart – this is where it comes from. A place of fear – where all of my insecurities – abandonment and not being good enough  – looms over me as a risk if I open my heart again.

It has taken the support and wisdom of good friends and family, beautiful songs, witnessing others in positive relationships – to take me out of my jaded, black cloud and believe in love again. I’ve realized that all I can do is be a source of love myself – embrace the love around me, cherish it and share it with others. That, is my source of joy.

I’ll end off with a quote that always reminds me of you – a constantly changing, ever- evolving soul:

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly”.




  • Reply September 12, 2009


    oh em gee this is absolutely beautiful ! I am going through a breakup right now and you could not have spelt it out better. Thank you for this 😉

  • Reply January 18, 2010

    Liane Denise B. Tan

    Hi! My friend shared this to me after posting a picture on Facebook. She said it’s a good read, and it is! I’m going through a heartbreak as well, although I would like to believe that I’m doing okay. It’s been eight months, and although I’ve managed to stay happy despite through it all, somehow the pain and the memories still linger.

    I super agree with the stages! I felt that myself and I laughed when I read that part ’cause I knew it was true.

    Thank you for this one! Have a nice day :)

  • Reply November 20, 2011


    Thank you Amy :) you are indeed fabulous!

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