A few years ago, I went through one of the most trying experiences of my life. I went through a breakup that devastated me to my core, and left me feeling broken and shattered. It was as if my entire reality and beautiful, magical world I tried so hard to create came crashing down. Since I had never experienced such a crippling pain, I was very afraid that the depression and negative thoughts would not end. I felt hopeless and helpless. And of course, when you’re in the thick of it, seeing the holistic picture is not where your mind and ego tend to go. But it took experiencing such an extreme low for me to decide that I was going to use the pain to make me stronger, wiser and healthier.
And I did just that. Fast forward to today, I am exercising, feeding my body with healthy, nutritious foods, surrounding myself with like-minded people, thinking positive thoughts and feeling gratitude and love every single day. I did not get here because I am lucky, or because I am built any stronger or more resilient than others going through the same experience. I got here because I made conscious decisions that steered me on the path of healing and forgiveness.
I think we can all relate on this subject because we have all been there. You would think that as you get older and have more relationships, that the heartaches would get easier to handle. But the reality is, the pain doesn’t lessen with each breakup, it’s just different. And while we cannot avoid the pain, we can choose a healthier recovery. The road to healing is very important so that the emotions are dealt with in a positive way and do not come back to haunt you in your future. Here are a few things that I found that helped me:
Eat Healthy
Some people deal with depression by over-eating, some deal with it by not eating. I fall into the latter category. I had no apetite and basically starved my body of the nutrients it needed. When your body is not getting fed properly with the vitamins and nutrients it needs to survive, your mood, energy and hormones are severely impacted. I found that once I started to eat well, not only did my body feel better, but my emotional state and mind felt better too. Our physical health is directly connected to our emotional and spiritual well-being. When one part is out of sorts, the others will be too.
Surround Yourself with People who Love You
Your natural instinct may be to isolate yourself and sulk in private, but this is probably the worst thing you can do. Community increases your feel-good hormones and studies show that talking can have healing effects. A UCLA study reveals that spending time with close friends causes the brain to release natural opioids, which are like the painkillers found in opium. When you lose the familiarity, daily routine and stability of a relationship, it is important that you surround yourself with people who make you feel safe, loved and cared for.
Allow Yourself to Mourn
Studies show that people who go through a breakup can experience cravings for their ex similarly to the way addicts crave a drug they are withdrawing from. This can lead to intense distress and physiological as well as psychological discomfort. The pain can be consuming, and this can feel shameful. I take pride in the fact that I am a strong, solutions-oriented person, and not being able to just “get over” the pain was very uncomfortable for me. But I realized that everything I was feeling was normal and a part of being human, and learned to embrace the emotions. The emotions have to go somewhere and not releasing them results in it all just coming back in some toxic shape or form later on down the road. Allow yourself to mourn. Allow yourself to cry. After all, tears is just pain leaving the body.
Be the Right One
Many people use a rebound, a quick tryst or another relationship as a distraction. If that works for you, then all the more power to you. However, I think that this method is similar to the effects of putting on a band-aid. You do not heal anything, you just cover it up. Take the time to mourn, to heal, to deal with the issues that have been brought forward from the relationship. A breakup is a great way for you to reflect on yourself, your habits and what you want in life and in your next partner. If you yourself are not the right one, how can you expect to attract the right one? Work on loving yourself and finding yourself again, and the rest of the pieces will fall in place when it is supposed to.
Forgive
Your world can feel like it has turned upside down when suddenly the star of your dreams turns into the villain of your nightmares. I thought my biggest challenge would be to learn how to forgive the man who hurt me. Through time, therapy, writing, and doing things to nurture myself, I learned to have compassion for my ex. With this compassion, I was able to forgive. But forgiving him was surprisingly not the hardest part. Forgiving myself was. I realized that I was very hard on myself and lacked compassion towards my own self.
A slow, long process of getting myself back to a healthy state finally gave me the clarity I needed. I saw that everything happened the way it was supposed to. I stopped blaming myself and forgave myself, realizing that my life was going according to plan. Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. When you finally let the blame and anger go, and see that everything is perfect just the way it is, you’ll feel a big weight lift off your shoulders.
Appreciate
Gratitude is one of the most powerful feelings that can transform the way in which you view reality. Even when you feel like you’ve lost someone in your life, if you look around you – you’ll notice how much wealth you have. When your mind keeps repeating negative thoughts, you have to put effort into changing that habit of thinking. Try writing down what you’re grateful for every day and you’ll find that suddenly, you start noticing things to be appreciative of that you’d normally take for granted. There is so much beauty and love that surrounds us, we just have to be open to noticing it. Be grateful for your experiences, the lessons learned and the people that come in and out of your life that help you grow stronger. They’re just preparing you for the person you are meant to be with, and the person you are meant to become.
And, if none of these tips work, try to remember one thing: “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”
♥
Whether you are someone who has recently had a breakup or you’ve experienced past heartache that hasn’t fully healed, Renew can help you rewire the heart so you can move forward in a healthy way, making space for new beginnings and new love.
To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
Photo credit: Carolyn Emily
7 Reasons Why You’re Repelling Women
I once came across this quote: “There is no comfort in growth, no growth in comfort”
I try to remember this whenever I feel discouraged and beaten down. But right in moments of deep sorrow, it is so difficult to project how all this pain and “discomfort” will help me grow — I avoid talking to my family because I feel like a failure. It’s difficult and stressful to see your friends and colleagues so seemingly have “all their shit together” and everything figured out in their lives. I feel I’ve been stagnating exactly where I am for years while my surrounding has moved forward and evolved. And I’m still just the plain old me…
And then the regrets creep in… why did I have to chose a career path that required so many long years of studies, a career that makes it easy for men to attract women, but hard for women (at least for those like myself who are not skilled at meeting a romantic partner) to juggle work and committed relationship while listening to your biological clock ticking and ticking louder and louder. I often jokingly say: “Since my Plan A has failed — which is marrying rich — I have to be absolutely financially independent.” I’ve just started working in a bran new city thinking that a fresh new start will help me put things into perspective — but truthfully, I cannot see myself anywhere at this point…
As much as I appreciate what a friend once told me: “Just be yourself. We like you for who you are and not someone you’re forcing yourself to be”…. In my most pessimistic moments, my vicious little inner voice would whisper: “Well, being yourself got you nowhere… look at you…”
I will grow slowly out of all this, I know, but just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel at this moment. I just wanted to say that reading your articles reminds me of that little motherly kiss on the forehead just before bedtime and believe that “it’ll all be okay”.
So thank you
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Reading this helped a lot. I was so devastated by my breakup and trying to be strong I lost myself. It was unhealthy because all the pain hit me like a Mack truck when it happened. And I just tried to cover it up. I would look at a glass of water and get upset. I was depressed but than I realized Happiness is a choice and I need to choose it .
did the same to me…14 years
makes you think ‘what a waste’ but you can’t think like that
still finding a way forward
A little over a year ago, I was in the midst of the anguish of walking in on my boyfriend of almost 5 years cheating with his ex-girlfriend. Needless to say, I was devastated. I wish I had walked out and licked my wounds in private, but instead, I became enraged. It didn’t end well. To make matters worse, I was dealing with trauma of miscarrying; all while starting my second year of law school 1,600 miles away from my family and friends. I was so bruised that I forwent my dignity and self-respect by pleading for him to be by side while I recovered. I convinced myself that if I showed him compassion and forgiveness, he would be reciprocate with kindness and offer support. Though he initially expressed a modicum of remorse and care, he quickly became insensitive and distant. Angry and hurtful, actually, at times. There was no visit or a call. No partner for me to shoulder the burden I was experiencing. The few times I did reach out, he made me feel as though I was an inconvenient nuisance. Being bruised, but thinking I was broken, I failed to see and trust that he lacked good character. I also failed to recognize that I was bother because he had moved on with the ex (who previously left him with no explanation and had a baby immediately following their break-up). I, too, never thought I’d make through the terrible ordeal. I spent an insane amount of time crying and being angry at myself for allowing him access to hurt me beyond the damage he had already done. I beat myself up for being a weak woman who lacked self-respect and had low self-esteem. Then in May, I read your blogpost “Processing the Pain of Infidelity.” The post resonated because it articulated what I was feeling, but could not put in words. It gave me permission to grieve without unfairly judging or blaming myself. I finally stopped beating on myself for still being affected by the experience, my less than stellar behavior or for still sometimes caring/missing him. So now as I reflect, I realize that I am not only making it through, but I am starting to learn the lessons that the universe wanted to teach. I am back to a decent weight and happy on most days. I hope that in time, I will get to a place where I fully forgive myself for my unwise choices and embrace the wiser and stronger woman the universe is trying to help me create.
Thank you for this article… I believe I’m “stuck” on #3 (Allow Yourself to Mourn) though I realize you may not have written them as steps to be taken in that exact order. Regardless, I look forward to moving to Forgiveness (“Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself.”) and Appreciate (“Be grateful for your experiences, the lessons learned and the people that come in and out of your life that help you grow stronger.”). Thank you for sharing your lessons so the rest of us may learn from them.
I love your blog so much. It is super inspiring and relatable. While i was going through my break up, I wrote this to myself and it helped a lot too. http://www.bellanthehooligans.com/how-to-deal-with-a-breakup/
Thank you so much for writing this. This was so badly needed. I am going through my own devostating divorce and of course have my times where I struggle with how to deal with everything. Taking everything one day at a time, even one minute at a time if you need to, is incredibly important. The Forgive step is the hardest one for me, but I can’t tell you how much the Appreciate step has helped. I started a gratitude book a few weeks after my ex-husband left and it does make you realize that you don’t have to start from scratch…you still have plently of awesome things and people to be grateful for. So glad I found this site!
I experienced a “break up” 4 months ago. I can’t really talk about break up because we never were in a relationship per say. I loved him dearly, the chemistry I felt for him was the most beautiful thing I could have possibly felt. He was caring, nice, always made me feel beautiful and we had great chats until he disappeared with no reason. I even went back to confront him, tried again “with no strings attached”, we spent this amazing week-end along with his friends, it seemed like we could go to the next step, until he disappeared again. I confronted him for the last time and he finally spat a “I don’t see a future together, I don’t want a relationship, if things are changing then we better stop this”. Bam, it was the worst feeling ever. I really broke down heavily. Even now I’m still not over it, I always hope he would come back. These feelings are terrible; but reading to your post helped me a bit to understand what can I do about it and how I can advert this crisis.
I’m currently going throughs break up with my partner of 3 years. We’ve broken up here and there but nothing this serious. It hit me hard and hit me good. I moved with him so he could do schooling and now I feel lost and even with the help of some new found friends I still am unsure on what to do. I want to stay as I have a decent job and he says hes staying to potentially get a job but if he doesny find one hes moving back home where we both moved together from. Maybe im obviously still grieving but I dont want to lose him anymore then I already have
thank you for this post. it helps me a lot realizing things that i was blinded into. I’ve been through times and i lost myself big time…i hate heartaches, i hate breakups. but there is no other way but to move on and learned the lesson, and most specially- growing up.
thanks for posting this… i like it.