My ‘Ask Amy’ Column as seen in the 24 Hours Newspaper.
Dear Amy
I don’t know how to get over an ex-boyfriend who has hurt me a while ago. Every time I see him and his new girlfriend, I only pity myself. He has given her everything he once promised me. I feel so foolish and hopeless. How could someone who was so horrible to me be so happy and satisfied in his new relationship? Even though I know what I’m still stuck in the past I just can’t seem to get out. – Stuck
Dear Stuck,
Do know that this is a normal and natural phase to go through – and it is just that, a phase that will pass. You are mourning, your brain is still wired with attachment to this person. You can feel physical pain as your brain craves that attachment and doesn’t get it. A study from the book The Chemistry Between Us by Dr. Larry Young notes that relationship separation causes an anxiety and pain similar to what a drug addict experiences when fiending for another fix.
But the less of him you see, the less he will be in your thoughts. And slowly, your heart will heal. Sometimes you’ll go through a setback, and feel like no progress has been made at all. But the journey of healing is one that goes up and down, and hopefully, with a positive trend upward in the grand scheme of things.
Whatever he did to hurt you, it likely came from an unhealthy place. Perhaps one of fear, insecurity, lack of self-worth or disconnection. Hurt people hurt people. So while it may look like he’s moved forward on the outside, the hurt he had in the inside while he was with you, is still likely still within him. And sooner or later, in some shape or form, it’ll out in his present relationship too.
That’s the way unresolved issues go – they keep reappearing, relationship after relationship, until the person finally decides to work on it, heal from it, and move forward.
I know you may not be able to feel it now, but as someone who has been exactly where you are, and has come out of the suffering, I’m telling you – it gets better. And trust that there is a bigger plan out there for you – you were meant to go through this to evolve into the next part of you.
Remember, when it doesn’t work with someone in the present, it’s because it’s meant to work out with someone else in your future. Each relationship that comes and goes happens to prepare you for the next one, and the next – until you finally are at the right point to meet the person you’re meant to be with.
Be gentle on yourself.
With love. Amy
Photo credit: Sara Alfred
Another Year of Lessons Learned
Hi Amy, I am going through what Stuck is going through. I have been searching for quotes of pick me up to help me to move forward. Your quotes “when it doesn’t work with someone in the present, it’s because it’s meant to work out with someone else in your future. Each relationship that comes and goes happens to prepare you for the next one, and the next – until you finally are at the right point to meet the person you’re meant to be with” brings a smile to my thoughts and face, your closing “be gentle on yourself” is empowering! Thank you, Amy, for your words of wisdom of love.
Thank you for this post! i love the things you post about break ups and life in general and it has helped me more than you can imagine! its going to be 6 months since i got my heart broken by an ass (he told me he found me an attractive because i was gaining weight-let me remind you hes not a calvin klein model or just in general nobody says that!) and ive never been happy in my life. Im glad that it happened because this journey has been an amazing journey. ive learned so much about myself more than i can even imagine. thank you that i found your blog 6 months ago and i always go back to it when i was feeling down and need a reassurance that its ok to feel sad and these emotions and its normal, others feel as well. Now i check to see what new post you’ve written and hope that i will keep learning from reading your stories and women who share their experience through comments. thank you miss amy!
Wow, the exact words i needed to hear at such a time as this,,,I ended my realtionship 2 months ago because if cheating….a long time freind and I thought lover…some things just dont make sense anymore… I figured if being a good woman be a loving and caring woman…could change things…I realized with each new day if a person doesnt want to be loved it makes no diifrence who and how much you try to love a person…and I know that being a strong woman to stand up to him and end things…was the best thing I could ever do….Yes I still get caught up in emtotions wondering what if and the whys??? its strange but deep down reading your blogs and the comments of other woman that have hurt and are still hurting like me…ONe day the love the man that God has planned for us will some day come into our lives..and at the point the heartaches and tears and the journey we have been on for so long…will soon be over!! Much Love to u amy…and all the women that hurt!!! time will heal all:)
Thank you Amy…I needed to read this. You put a balm on my wounds. Thank you so much
“hurt people hurt people” that could not be any more true, this post really explains both sides of any situation. Nicely written and very well thought out.
oh my. this is comfort zone.
thanks amy.
thank you so much. I’m still dealing it after 1 yrs later. Reading this really help. I shouldn’t be harsh on myself as much.
Hi Amy,
Thank you for your sharing, it blessed me much.
I’ve been through a heartbroken feeling too.
But, somehow, I’m questioning and wondering, what if the ‘ex’ is a player type, I wonder if he ever felt like you told “So while it may look like he’s moved forward on the outside, the hurt he had in the inside while he was with you, is still likely still within him. And sooner or later, in some shape or form, it’ll out in his present relationship too.”
I think that some man, especially “a player” seems like easy to move and forget the woman he used to engage with.
Amy,
I am so thankful that I found your blog. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with all of us. Your posts have truly inspired me and am helping me pull myself out of what I call a “bottomless pit”. I thought things would get better over time but everytime when I think things couldn’t get worse, it does. After reading several of your posts, however, I am truly inspired. I am so glad to have found someone who I can empathize with. As you have stated, I believe things will get better. We all just have to be patient and live with what we have and be grateful for the little things in life that we may overlook.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Hi Amy!
Stuck and I are in the same situation and i felt like its the end of the world… thankfully i ended up in your blog. lightening up my dark world… helped me in mending all the hurts and pains.
Thanks for this Amy… just the exact words i needed.
Keep it up and God bless u… 🙂