The rules of dating change dramatically when you go from young lust to wanting to settle down with a lifetime partner. The mindset is different, the tactics and strategy are different and resultantly, the outcome is different. If you’re looking for a one-night stand, this post does not apply to you. However, if you are a man looking for a quality gal and seem to be repelling women with your current dating strategy, then you may find my observations useful.
1. You are cheap
If you ask a woman out, pay for dinner. No, not just yours, the entire dinner. Is this unjust? Is this a contradiction to feminism? Mmm. No, I don’t think so. It’s about being a proper gentleman and treating a lady just like you would do for your mother. This does not mean you have to pay every single time. But on the first date, if you want there to be a second one, then yes, yes you do.
2. You are passive
This is a common message I get, “We should do coffee sometime.” What this says is, “I don’t have the balls to ask you out directly because I’m scared of rejection, so I’ll dangle and see if you’ll bite.” I do not know if it’s because men have too many options in Vancouver so they don’t have to make an effort to take a risk, or if a large majority of single men are just passive wusses. Whatever the reason, passive doesn’t usually get too far. Instead of, “We should..” try, “Hey, would you like to go for coffee on Thursday after work?”. Remember though, passive is one thing. Being overly aggressive creepy is another. Both are bad.
3. You are a player
Vancouver is a small city. If you have slept with half the city and hit on an entire circle of friends, chances are, before she gets to see your shining personality, she will think you’re a dog. Your reputation matters. If you create a reputation for being a low-standard, will-get-in-bed-with-anyone-type-of-guy, expect that good, quality women will run away from you like you’re the antichrist. You want a good woman? Start cleaning up your act.
4. You try too hard
Just be you. It sounds so simple, but it’s true. Anyone with half a brain can sense when someone is trying too hard to impress with things that don’t matter. A good woman doesn’t care about your car, your watch or how you are friends with someone famous. Stop acting and start being you (unless you’re naturally an asshole, then read point #5). The amateur tactics may work to get a girl into bed, but if you are looking for a quality partner, faking it is just not sustainable.
5. You’re an asshole
Treat a woman like how you’d like a man to treat your younger sister. Respect her. Call her back. Show up when you say you will. Be considerate. Don’t be bbming the whole time throughout dinner. Even if you don’t like the woman, have enough respect for another human being to be honest and not string her along.
6. You’re a cheater
Studies show that people who cheat and enter another relationship generally tend to repeat the pattern of cheating. No woman wants to be cheated on and any good woman I know has values that won’t sign up for the drama of being with a taken man. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, have the human decency to end yours before fishing for another. Are there women out there who love the challenge of a taken man? Of course there are. But those are not the ones you want, are they?
7. You look like this:
You are not in a gang. You are not a rockstar. Refrain from making facial expressions and hand gestures like the classy gent above. Enough said.
5 Reasons Why You’re Repelling Men
This entire list can be applied to both sides, minus the one that involves money, (big surprise), and yes it is counter to feminism; expecting men to pay just to have the divine and holy pleasure (sarcasm) of entertaining you is selfish and conceded. It’s also partly why a lot of guys are going to Europe, to meet quality women. I did and I’m married to one, I’ve never loved someone more in my life! They’re not demanding and they certainly don’t walk around with such a sense of entitlement… All that’s asked is simple respect and loyalty, as it should be.
If a man asks a woman out, he should pay. On the other hand, if a woman asks a man out, she should pay.
Julie, your comment would be logical if women actually asked men out. My experience is that men do the asking 99% of the time. If I ask out 20 women, and get a few first dates, then basically those women are using me for a free meal, if there is no second date where she pays. At least the women that turn me down don’t take advantage of me. I would rather donate my money to the homeless, not a woman who makes more money than I do. The technical term for this is “selective equality”.
#1 I don’t quite agree with. The first time you go out, just grab coffee and let HER PAY FOR HERSELF, or even for you if she wants to. Then only once you have decided that she is worth your money then go to a restaurant and treat her. Since when do we buy people expensive dinners without even knowing if they are worth it?? Believe me, this way is 100x better.
Sadly I am one of the rare guys where even all of the above is not applicable in my case.
Just simply saying ”hello”. Or even looking casually/ quick glance at the woman is enough to actually witness negative reactions. Ranging from confused looks, to being totally ignored, or even mocked.
It must be added and stressed that I dress well, I am always washed properly and wear decent non-overpowering aftershave.
I think its just that I have ”bad luck”.. and in a sense this is just nature’s way of ”weeding out ‘the non successfuls in romance”.
Certain girls are attracted to #7 bad boy look though,,,
I don’t think it’s as simple as all of the above, I’ve been single more or less all my life,and I’m approaching fifty,I’ve had such a lonely life, will I ever meet anyone 🙁
I agree with the concepts that were presented in this article 100% and it was enlightening to read these points. But I think that I’m single because I never approach the woman that I’m attracted to. I’m a fairly social person and I can hold a conversation with a woman. It’s just that I freeze when I see her. I strongly oppose to using pick up lines, gimmicks, and magic tricks. How does a woman like to be approached by a genuine man?
I recently read an excellent article about men in Seattle. It appears they are the same as the men in Vancouver. The problem appears to be a major shift in social norms. Neither gender is making the adjustment easily. I still ask out women every once is a while, but rejection is the norm, as it is for most men. I must either develop a very thick skin, and likely develop a hardened attitude towards women, or give up. Women generally have a desire to “marry up”, but when you are at the top of the planetary pyramid, as women in Vancouver are, it will be very hard for them to find the prince that society programs them to seek out. Thus the sugar daddy syndrome, and the Beta guy heading to Thailand to find a wife. If women want equality, then they might want to consider that with power comes responsibility. Including doing a lot more of the asking out, and paying, regardless of the imagined negative consequences. Amy, I like your work, but this particular article needs some rethinking.
Generally spot on, but oh boy, that #1…
So, if I’m a guy who likes you I took the risk of
1. Asking you out (risk of emotional hurt from rejection)
2. Taking the time (to spend my valuable Saturday with you)
3. Taking the resources (to go to your city or near to it so it’s easy for you and you don’t have to travel far to see me).
So, as far as I am concerned, I have already gone out on a limb and made things very easy for any given girl. THE LEAST she can do is say yes, give me a solid date on the calendar, and pay for her own meal, because we are at this point just interested parties, not people committed to each other.
Ladies, please, do NOT have an expectation #1 will happen and don’t read into it too much if it doesn’t. If a guy does treat you (and he may if the date goes very well and he’s happy with you, or if he is deluded and actually believes he has to live by this standard), then great. Otherwise… understand that men do not appreciate being a meal ticket. Especially men with lower incomes. If “women are independent and don’t bank on men, they bank on themselves,” (as this blog has stated), then surely they can bank on themselves to pay for a bagel and coffee and not be offended if they have to. Especially since the man likely made all the risks and took the most expenses up front, for your sake as much as his.
Dating is expensive for both men and women. If you cannot afford it and are not creative enough to think of alternatives then you shouldn’t date. Whomever invites should pay. If you cannot afford to pay for dinners don’t ask someone to dinner. Take them for coffee or ice cream or something you can afford. Do something free like take your dog for a walk together and talk. There are many options and as long as you are direct about your intention, anything can be considered a date.