How many times have you dated someone thinking that the other person would eventually change? Perhaps you thought that once the person loves you, or once they gain more experience, that they will change. Change and growth is possible, but if you are dating someone banking on him/her changing in the future, then you may get rather disappointed in your everyday present. Deep rooted issues, cultural upbringing and old habits are very, very hard to change. It takes someone wanting to make a change for themselves, rather than for another person, for that change to last. Here are the things that won’t change for love…
1. Jealousy
Jealousy comes from a deep-rooted insecurity. It could have formed due to a previous betrayal of trust and the feelings of fear and anxiety were never dealt with. I often hear friends try to alter their behaviour in order to calm their partner’s jealous tendencies. It doesn’t work. Because applying a band-aid to someone’s own baggage of self-worth, low self-esteem and fear can only last for so long.
2. Substance Abuse
If someone has a record of abusing substances, don’t think that love is the reason why he/she will abandon their addictions. Addiction comes from a complex and complicated place, that unfortunately, even if you love someone with all you’ve got, it’s not enough to change the root of the problem. Sure, the addiction may take different forms, or even lie dormant sometimes, but if someone abuses substances, unless they get to the root of why they need to escape first and foremost, it’s very likely that the old behaviour will surface at some point or another.
3. Selfishness
You cannot teach someone to put others ahead of themselves. If the apple of your eye is inconsiderate, and always puts his/her needs as the priority, chances are, that way of doing life isn’t going to change. Sure, sometimes it can be a maturity thing and eventually the person will grow out of having a “me” mentality. However, don’t bank that a selfish person will suddenly be thoughtful and considerate just because you’re dating.
Part of the beauty of life is that we are constantly changing. We are shaped by our experiences and the people that walk in (and out) of our lives. These people leave us a little different, every single time. I’m not saying that people cannot beat substance abuse or overcome feelings of fear and jealousy. What I am saying is that when you meet someone who encompasses these things, it’s unrealistic to think they will change…because of you. A person needs to want to change for themselves first and foremost. If you date someone banking on the hope they may change someday, know that it’s going to be a long challenging road ahead of you. And be prepared for disappointment along the way.
Photo credit: Roey Ahram
You Are Beautiful
Perfectly said. I definitely think cultural upbringing and old habits are especially hard to change and not only that, the other person may not even see or understand that it is indeed a cultural difference and just assume that the other person is not on the same level. I also think this helps us figure out what we can live with, and what is important to us. I have been going through this and you are right when you there will always be disappointment along the way.
Great thoughts!
Amy, it’s so great that you have this column in 24 hours and can reach so many people to talk about love. I read your piece “Change can only come from within” yesterday while on the bus. You touched the surface of a very serious problem called jealousy. From personal experience I can tell you that jealousy is very destructive and abusive. My mother was unable to go anywhere except to bingo with her aging girlfriends because of my dad’s jealousy. She was a prisoner in her own home. My sister had the same experience. In face, one night her husband waited for her to come in the door after she’d been out at a meeting with some other women. The house was dark. He hid behind the door and knocked her out when she came in. He left her where she landed. She woke in the morning on the cold kitchen floor. Jealousy is a very very serious problem and can lead even to the death of the jealous person’s partner. I’m so glad you indicated that this can be a life-long affliction. Most women keep quiet about the abuse suffered from living with a jealous person and it goes on for a lifetime. Keep up the good work, Amy.
Amy, it’s so great that you have this column in 24 hours and can reach so many people to talk about love. I read your piece “Change can only come from within” yesterday while on the bus. You touched the surface of a very serious problem called jealousy. From personal experience I can tell you that jealousy is very destructive and abusive. My mother was unable to go anywhere except to bingo with her aging girlfriends because of my dad’s jealousy. She was a prisoner in her own home. My sister had the same experience. In face, one night her husband waited for her to come in the door after she’d been out at a meeting with some other women. The house was dark. He hid behind the door and knocked her out when she came in. He left her where she landed. She woke in the morning on the cold kitchen floor. Jealousy is a very very serious problem and can lead even to the death of the jealous person’s partner. I’m so glad you indicated that this can be a life-long affliction. Most women keep quiet about the abuse suffered from living with a jealous person and it goes on for a lifetime. Keep up the good work, Amy.