I never thought that the cultural background of a dating prospect would make much of a difference when it came to relationships. However, since living in New York, I’ve had the opportunity to meet many different people from various backgrounds and it’s become clear that there are definite cultural norms specific to European men versus American men (especially New Yorkers).  I’m not to judge that one is better than the other, and mind you, my observations are based on my own experiences as well as a group of women I’ve interviewed in the last two years. The below is a list of some of the themes and commonalities observed. Now, when I discuss the differences between European and American, I’m referring to a mindset. You can very well be born in America but have a more “European” mindset and vice versa.
1. European men aren’t just aiming to score. American men on the other hand, tend to be goal oriented, with the aim of getting laid. Perhaps this ‘score mentality’ is for bragging rights, perhaps it’s for validation so they can feel wanted and desired, or perhaps it’s a pure ego play. American men will rush to get you in bed as quick as possible, while European men don’t appear to have the same rush (or desperation).
2. European men don’t ‘date’ – in the formal way that Americans are used to. The types of dates seen in movies – the formal ask, the fancy dinner and the entire dance that ensues simply doesn’t exist in the European mindset, in fact, the word “dating” isn’t even a part of their lexicon. Sure, they will go out for dinner and do fun activities, but it’s not packaged up in a formal and contrived manner.
3. European men aren’t into labelling. Unlike American culture, where there’s almost a rite of passage which takes two people from “hooking up” to “seeing each other” to “dating” to “exclusive”, these labels just aren’t a focus or concern for European men. They don’t over analyze the situation. Rather, the mentality is, “I like you, I want to see you, and if it’s enjoyable, let’s keep seeing each other”. It’s more organic and instead of defining the relationship in order to know how to act, they let the relationship unfold and the label of boyfriend/girlfriend just naturally develops in the process.
4. Â European men are comfortable with women, which leads to respect for women. Perhaps this has to do with their upbringing, where it’s very normal for boys and girls to play and intermingle together. They grow up developing friendships with the opposite sex and in turn, develop more empathy and understanding of the opposite sex. In American culture, there is a clear segregation of the sexes, boys play with boys and do boy things and girls do the same. Then these boys grow up and are exposed to the opposite sex in an abrupt, often sexualized way. Â The consequence of this is a lack of understanding of women, a lack of comfort and often, a lack of respect.
5. European men are raised to have great manners. This is definitely seen in how they treat not only women, but everyone around them. There is a courtesy, consideration, chivalry and thoughtfulness in how they act, behave and engage with others. They are also raised with strong family and community values, so there is a sense of responsibility and accountability for others, not just for the self. American culture raises children to be fiercely independent and to look out for ‘number one’. This breeds a generation of men who have habits of looking after their own needs versus the needs of the collective.
6. Europeans don’t get their sexual education from porn. For example, in the Netherlands, comprehensive sexuality education starts at age four. In America, sexual education is not taught until one hits their teens, if they are taught at all. The topic is still taboo and filled with shame. It’s no surprise that American men are left to their own devices, subconsciously learning about sex through porn and the media.
“Many American men are getting their sexual education from porn.”
7. European men do not “ghost”. Instead of cruelly dismissing someone by disappearing, they communicate that they are not interested. Again, this comes down to respect and manners.
8. European men have a different perception of beauty. As the media in Europe is a lot more heavily monitored,  Europeans grow up surrounded by media and images of women who are curvy, comfortable in their own skin, and sensual (versus overly sexualized). The latest law passed in France where excessively skinny models need to prove their health is a testament to that. But when you’re surrounded by American media, filled with Barbie dolls, waif skinny models and Baywatch breasts, the idea of what ‘beauty’ is becomes skewed.
9. European men have a quiet confidence, a demeanor that doesn’t need to scream out loud to prove themselves. The American way is loud and even arrogant at times.
10. American men like to date around. The dating culture involves trying out many different options at the same time. Call it the revolving door or hedging – there’s the idea in the American approach to dating that there’s always something better around the corner. With European men, if there’s mutual interest, they keep seeing that person and don’t keep hunting for better options simultaneously. The dynamic may or may not move into a serious relationship, but they are not trying to gather other options or back up plans in case it doesn’t.
11. European men don’t play games. Nor will they freak out when discussions of commitment or future come up. Americans (both men and women) have been socialized to play games, to act unavailable, to wait a particular amount of time before texting back… There are a set of ritualized rules that are abided by in American dating culture, and if you don’t play within them, you are labeled as desperate or needy or undesirable.
So does this mean the only hope for a happy, committed relationship is to move to another country? Not at all. As mentioned above, the observations summarized above are not really about where one is born, but rather a mentality that is influenced by societal and cultural values. We must be aware of our own behavior in the dating game, because we are active participants in how we are treated.  We must take a look at who we are drawn to in the first place, and why. If you keep attracting (and are attracted to) men who are emotionally unavailable and who treat you poorly, then it really doesn’t matter if your dating prospects are from France, New York, Vancouver or Mars – the shift needs to occur within you first and foremost. In fact, you may be experiencing attractions of deprivation, where you try to recreate the issues from childhood in your romantic partners. To find out more, read this article on “Why Do Good Women Pick the Wrong Men.“
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To learn more about how to change old relationship patterns, and how to create healthy ones, join my 2-hour Live Workshop on Sunday, April 25 where I’ll guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, manage emotions and our reactions to pain and create healthy relationships. Get your ticket here.
What Posting Inspirational Quotes Really Says About You
Author: *talks about how neither type of person is different*
Author: *Insults the American man as much as posible*
Like yeah, I get it. As someone who lives in the US, I know that beauty standards are heavily corrupted by the media. But this article? It doesn’t say a single good thing about men from the US and says everything considered ‘good’ about European men. It’s heavily biased towards European men, but then at the beginning they say that they like both… like wtf???
There is nothing good to say about American men. They are boring and boorish beyond belief. They are not cultured or well read. They are fat but don’t you dare be fat. And they suck in bed. One roll in the hay with a Euro and you’ll never go back.
I just dated a Portugese man who lives and works here for a few months. While he appears classy, conservative and well mannered, he does not respect women, or at least not this one. He was cold, demanding, dictatorial, insulting and I’d say, borderline emotionally abusive. He insulted my smile, pointed out the beautiful women on my facebook page even naming one, was sexually demanding and aggressive, and took away a promise ring and lovely bracelet when i would not give in to his demands. He made me feel nervous, insecure,, unloved, confused as opposed to warm, adored and cuddly. He was also fuddy duddy in the home; a perfectionist, and a controller. Although he is Latino, he is cold and secretive, not warm at all, at least not in my world. I don’t know if this is the norm but I really cared for him, still do and it is so sad as I had thought maybe I met m Prince Charming……. but in reading the above, he just does not/did not tick off many of those boxes so whether he is typical of Euro men, I do not know. (I do know he had affairs on his wife but is very close to his mother.)
I’m a French gal who’s both dated or ‘hooked up with’ American and ‘European’ men and I had a good laugh at your article.
Not only the American side is very VERY stereotypical, but “European men” as you like to put it make for way for than just one single category – which is, by the way, so far from reality! Maybe ‘European’ guys are like that in the books you’ve read, but seriously, I have yet to meet a real 21st century Gentleman that was European!
I seriously dont know why people said American men are not romantic. Ive dated men from all different types of geography. From Americans to Europeans to Latin to Asians. Americans are confident and more outspoken, which is probably why people said they are not really romantic and gentlemen. But when we were together alone. American men are really romantic. Very gentle and loving
Comprehensive sexuality education starts at age four in the Netherlands?No its not ,seriously age 4?noway not in the Netherlands for sure,they learn it as much from porn as in USA.Not one girl for back up? hahaha sure dream on.One thing i do agree,it doesnt matter where you come from or what culture,it al matters with how much care and love you been grow up and how you are as person.European male might accept woman different or more equal in some way then non European male why it seem they different with woman,but that’s only untill the actually equal then the non European way kick in fast :).
I am from The Netherlands and been living for 27 years in the eastern part of the US. I have been single and unable to find a life partner. There are distinct difference between American and Western European men. In my opinion the article explains it well. In the Netherlands kids indeed get sexual ed early on and when we were teenagers we got contraception so we had safe sex. When you are in a relationship at that age kids can sleep over at their boyfriend or girlfriend’s houses and have sex. It is part of Love as it is encouraged. My kids got sex ed in school in the US where they teach abstinence. This way sex becomes something naughty, secretive, separate from love, and ultimately it gets a frustrating and sick connotations to it. I find most American men sick around sex. Their approach is often so separate from love as a “dirty” thing, which to me is highly unattractive. The American culture is founded on “me/now/violence”, which you find on all levels of interaction in this culture. If it is with love, sex, friends, politics, media, corporations, policy making, etc., the focus is mostly on “me/now”, and the reason why the article rings so true to me. Though American men cannot help it because they grew up in this culture of “me/now”, taught that sex is secretive, women are sex objects (due to the media that is completely focused on “me/now”) , and they did not grow up for hours at the dining room table like most Europeans do where they learn to connect to one another on deeper levels. So the western European way is focused on “us/long term”. Western Europeans grew up at the dining room table where endless conversations were held, which in return created deep connections, respect, holding your own in respectful manners, and where women were equals. Women are mostly topless on the beach, so breast and women’s body parts are not much seen as sex objects. Women breastfeed their babies in public so again there are healthier ways between men and women. If we could start having long dinners at the table here, give women freedom in this country to just be (in 2015 only there were over 265 bills to regulate women’s issues and non for men), educate our kids that sex is love, ask the media and the advertising industry to respect women, learn that watching too much porn creates an addictive brain and early Erection Disfunction, we might teach men in this country how to connect better. Any man in a relationship should not watch porn at all, and masturbate little to non. Because men, due to their testosterone connect with women primarily through their desire for her. We have seen in men after ejaculation they or want to go to sleep, or want to go on with their lives. So when a man masturbate regularly while in a relationship he takes away from the connection with his partner. Porn and media create lust for women and disrespect for women too, which explains the staggering rape rate in this country: 1 out of every 3 women get raped at some point of her life. This number alone tells you how women are disrespected in this country. Another disturbing fact is that Americans do not talk with one another about subjects that matter, do not confront one another when they screw up, and friends do not have real indepth conversations so no one grows. In The Netherlands we have dinners with friends or family that starts around 7pm and can go on to 3am in the morning, where every subject is discussed so we all learn and grow. I could go on and on. So as you can read there are many reasons for the differences and it is no one’s fault. Just learn and change it, that is all.
Since January I have had about 85 first dates with American men in their fifties and early sixties. And what I read in this article is all true. Many were interested in me but because all what I wrote in here, I could not find the connection with American men. There is something missing in how they connect, and they could do a whole better job on how they dress too!!! 🙂
Thank you for sharing! Well said too. I’m a Californian and been dating a dutchman for the past 4 months and my normal behavior in dating went out the window with him because he doesn’t play any games (which I, guiltily, am used to playing), respects me wholeheartedly and cares more about my heart/thoughts/character/personality than just getting me in bed. With American men, there is a definite “hit it and quit it” culture. I truly believe his respect for others stems from how he was raised. He spent hours at the dinner table growing up and learned how to be a real conversationalist.
It is true that as an American, I’m always trying to label what we are and where we’re at in our relationship when I should take queues from him to just relax since I already know where his heart is at. He’s planning on moving here for me now! And man, does he know how to dress 😉
I love your comment. Thank you.
Im Dutch and I agree with this article. well said.
I’m from England so I can understand both the American culture and the European culture pretty well, and while there is probably some truth that American’s are generally less polite, more sex orientated and contrived, you can’t really lump EVERYONE in to one big convenient basket…..Europe is a big place, 48 different countries….the same traits that an Italian man has may well be very different that of a Polish man, there is good and bad in ALL people.
I live in Europe and I am from the states. Let me just start by saying STOP generalizing men & stereotyping men of us women don’t want it done to us. I consider myself a serial dater I love going on dates I like casualties. In the states I dated a lot & not all the guys were bad or played games. I have dated a French man who played games and dated a few Germans who didn’t play games. I play games. I think it’s a maturity factor not a “where your from” factor. In college several of the soccer players were from Europe & fucked and played tons of girls. No shame on their game. I love American men & I love European men. The only thing I say is sex is a lot more free & accepting here in Europe vs. in the states sex is looked at as shameful if it’s casual especially for women. Again I like casualties I like sex. Lots of girls and women I talk to have casual sex. It’s a great thing no judgement 🙂 ok rant over everyone should go drink some red wine & have sex
There are loads of differences in Europe itself – an Italian, Swede, a Spaniard and a Russian will all have different views on dating and love. A Brit might have a bit more in common with an American but I (as a Brit) find serial dating strange and would never put up with it from an American woman who might find serial dating normal and common.