There are many myths and stereotypes when it comes to dating asian guys. Some are completely outlandish and some are, well, a little more spot on. Multiple articles and studies discuss how cultural stereotypes of Asian men may make them less attractive to women of all races, including Asians.
In the book Freakonomics, one study showed that single Asians (male) had to make $247,000 more annually to receive the same response rate as White men on online dating sites. Ouch. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 40% of Asian females will marry a non-Asian male, whereas 20% of Asian males will marry a non-Asian female. This frustration is not being taken lightly. In fact, there’s even a website which acts as a forum for asian men reclaiming their “asianalitiy” – and they are pissed that their potential asian wives are shacking up with non-asians. On another website, one Asian male expresses: “It’s definitely harder for an Asian male to date a white female than for Asian females to date white males. Asian males are not portrayed as masculine, whereas Asian females are stereotyped as submissive, exotic.” What gives?!
The good news for Asian males is that as online dating is becoming less and less taboo, there are a lot more asian dating sites ready to help make meeting potential matches easier. White, black, yellow – really, one’s ethnicity shouldn’t make a difference as we are all part of the human race. No argument there. However, keep in mind that there are certain cultural differences that come to play that shape a person’s mentality, values, ideas of what a relationship dynamic should look like, and subsequently, their behaviour. And because of this, sometimes, there is some truth to the cultural differences of people raised with diverse upbringings. So I’m here today to dispel (or confirm) some of those myths, but only according to my own experience. Before you make any accusations of me making sweeping generalizations, note that my points here are completely biased according to my own sample size. Here goes…
Myth 1: Asian guys fight for the bill. True. When the dinner cheque arrives at the table, the Asian guy will swoop in like a properly trained ninja and attack the dinner cheque before you can even do that “reach” for your wallet. This swift technique is an ancient move passed on by his ancestors – a learned behavior through many many years watching his parents challenge their opponents to who gets to the cheque first. White guys are much more laid back and are happy to carry on the conversation for another 30 minutes while the check is laying on the table; some are even willing to go dutch to further showcase their support towards gender equality.
Myth 2: Asian guys are lightweights. True. Look, it’s an enzyme thing ok? When it comes to alcohol consumption, according to research, the ‘Asian Flush’ occurs due to a deficiency in an enzyme called aldehyde dehydrogenase, which is part of a vital process that digests alcohol. Headache, red flushing, even itchiness will occur after a few sips of alcohol. But, enzyme or no enzyme, don’t think this will deter an asian guy from schooling you in a drinking game though. Challenge him to a game of Pai Gow or Big 2 and he’ll drink you under the table.
Myth 3: Asian guys live with their parents. Depends. Ok, well until they’re married at least. Many asians brought up in a traditional upbringing (both men and women) choose to live at home with their parents until they get married. Asian culture emphasizes family and collectivity, so it is quite the norm to take care of your parents while living under the same roof. Also, living with a romantic partner pre-marriage is generally looked down upon, which is another reason why many asians wait until marriage to move out.
Myth 4: Asian guys have better manners. False. There are many behaviours that are emphasized in a traditional asian culture. With a big emphasis on “taking care” of those around you. For example, at the dinner table, it is a blasphemy to serve yourself food first and immediately start eating. You serve the person you are dining with first, and always offer the last bite. But while an Asian guy’s table manners may be impeccable, other “gentlemanly” behaviours like opening the car door, helping a lady put on her jacket, etc, are not lessons that parents typically focused on teaching. Thus, in my opinion it’s an even ball game.
Myth 5: Asian guys aren’t masculine. False. Unfortunately, we are influenced by what we see in the media whether we are conscious of it or not. Most depictions of Asian males in the popular media are not the same as their Caucasian counterparts. The odd Jackie Chan movie as the exception, you hardly see the Asian guy as hunky, masculine star of the show. Whereas in the 19th century, Asian men were portrayed at the other extreme in the 19th century: sexually dangerous and desirable. The stereotype that Asian men aren’t masculine exists in a large part because of how they are portrayed in the media, not necessarily because that’s actually reflective of reality.
Myth 6: Asian guys aren’t good at expressing emotions. Depends. In Asian culture, males are not encouraged to be expressive with their emotions. Crying is seen as weakness. For example, when a boy gets hurt and starts crying, it’s not rare to see the parents scold the child for crying. Because this is engrained at such an early age, this may cause some Asian men to continue withholding emotion as they grow up. It’s rare to hear traditional Asian parents say “I love you” to their children. It’s not rare for Asian kids to grow up on the receiving end of dictator-esque verbal instructions and scoldings. Parents educate and try to push their children to work harder and achieve more by using negative language versus complimentary language. A study conducted by China Daily interviewed a cross-section of people to see if they said “I love you” to their parents. Many people interviewed had never said those three words, and one 56-year old commenting “Saying it aloud is embarrassing for me.” Of course, even in an upbringing where being emotionally expressive is not encouraged, one can still learn how to communicate feelings despite the odds. So in the case of this stereotype, it really depends on the person.
Myth 7: Asian guys aren’t romantic. False. Sure, an Asian guy will think bubble tea is a perfectly acceptable venue for a first date. Nothing wrong with that! Asian guys will almost always say “Yes” to dessert as a date spot. Think crepes with fruit compote or shaved ice cream, their way of romanticizing the occasion involves making the girl happy first before letting themselves pick a place that might suit their own taste. If you see an Asian male holding on to his beau’s shopping bags or Louis Vuitton purse, that doesn’t means he’s “whipped”, he’s just being helpful. It may sound cliché and completely unmasculine, but in Asian culture, the men are raised to always offer comfort for the female, making sure that they are provided and cared for. That’s their idea of romance. Swoon.
Myth 8: Asian guys seek their parent’s approval. True. Beware the tiger mom. When it comes to marriage prospects, Asian guys take into consideration the advice of his parents. It’s more common for a Caucasian male to independently pursue his desires without asking for anyone else’s approval. When one gets paired with an Asian man, however, you don’t just marry the man himself but you marry his family as well.
Myth 9: Asian guys never make the first move. False. Although Asian guys might take awhile to confess their undying love, but that’s only because they like to take it slow. And when they do, they want to be sure that she’s the one. Asian guys are taught by their traditional parents that in order for them to meet the right person, you must already be a successful individual with a lot to offer. You date to marry. Caucasian guys are told they are going to meet a lot of people first before finding the right one. See the difference?
Myth 10: Asian guys don’t like public display of affection. True. Traditional Asian parents show love through immense generosity, helping out financially, and feeding you 24/7. Hugs, cuddles and kisses however, not so much. In a culture where preserving “face” and appearances is of utmost importance, there is a major emphasis on always keeping your cool, being proper and composed. They might steal a kiss or two when no one’s looking, but in retrospect the Asian male would much rather prefer it behind closed doors. Whether it’s their demeanor towards the public eye, or how they choose privacy over strong lustful urges, it’s easy to assume Asian males are more conservative when it comes to showcasing their emotions. Theories explain that this dates back to the nature of Confucian teaching – where displaying one’s emotions publicly is not encouraged.
Myth 11: Asian guys have small “packages”. False! And there’s been research in Nature that you can check out on your own.
Get the book, Breakup Bootcamp: The Science or Rewiring Your Heart.
Want to create healthy love that lasts? Go to www.RenewBreakupBootcamp.com
Love Comes When It’s Least Expected: Henny Rebodos
I am a white female. I dated both white and Asian before. Honestly, I enjoy so much more to date an Asian because they are much more thoughtful instead of asshole. And I am not sure why people keep saying that Asian has small genital. From my experience, all three of my Asian boyfriends (Taiwan, Hong Kong, and Korean) have the same size as my white boyfriends, but Asian’s are much harder for sure. So try to date an Asian before you judge.
Damn they are all true. I’m an Asian male. I think that mostly we are influenced by our parents a lot as you can see. Why do we listen to our parents? Because they are always right. Take my parents for example, just by listening to my dad, I have overcome so many challenges and took numerous short cuts compare to the white guys in my school. It’s almost like I’m driving with a navigation GPS while others walk. It back fires tho, because I rely on parents advise thus make me less opinionated.
Myth #1 isn’t true I’ve met a couple of Asian guys that wanted to go Dutch last minute without warning or didn’t fight the bill. One of which still wants to go out with me. I don’t get it. So that is not always the case. Depends greatly on how an Asian man was raised.
To be fair on my last comment the two Asian guys were poor guys. One was in grad school another a restaurant worker. So maybe if they had the bigger salaried jobs it would have been different. I notice you mention gender equality. Which is true. But I’d much rather the guy pay especially when he asked me out.
Myth 9: Asian guys never make the first move. False.
So true! There are various times Asian guys like myself made the first move. The irony is that we don’t know we made them. Ha ha. How and when do we realize and know that we made them? It is when women come up to you to make conversation. It is so subtle. You then learn something really important here. You are always being watched! So always be pushing your own limits and project your best self whenever you can. Amazing things can happen if you are patient.
I learned this while working out and attending classes in my gym.
Ugh, I’m still waiting for him to freaking kiss me lol
Like myself maybe he is just waiting for right moment. Because I can say deep down he wants it to happen like you do but he wants this to be a memorable moment.
I’m interested in dating an Asian guy. I’m Hispanic American, with a yogi/hippie vibe. I’ve said hello to several Asian guys online, with no response. What do Asian guys find attractive?
For me I like the personality of the non Asian female.
I kissed my wife on our first date, while leaving the movie theater. We’ve been friends for a while before that through our motorcycle riding group. Apparently, she’s been wanting a date with me but I didn’t know it so she had a girlfriend check to see if I was seeing anyone. As we were leaving a Christmas party, she turned around and told the group out loud, “I’m still waiting for someone to ask me out!” I had no idea who she was talking to so I turned around and looked. Everyone there was married except for me so a week later, we went out on our first date. We now have a beautiful two year old daughter.
I’ve always thought that I would marry someone sophisticated and well put together (no race in particular) but I ended marrying someone who wears nothing but jeans and cowboy boots. We get along great and we’d laugh our butts off when we’re together. I like that after a long day, when we were dating, that we could go grab a couple beers, wings and shoot some pool. I don’t think I could do that with most Asian women.
Some people think that Asian men have a fetish with Caucasian women but for me it wasn’t the case. I dated who were around me and in my case, Caucasians. I really don’t know any Asians.
I find my wife’s intelligence, sense of humor and kindness super-attractive. I ride a Harley, she rides a Yamaha. I have a liberal arts major and she’s an engineer.
I love your story, VKT!
Let’s keep it real; it’s about conformity — most people, regardless of how individually quirky they would like to imagine they are happen to be conformists, or at least unconsciously subject to such social forces. Asian guys, at least here in the West, at this very moment are not at the top of the social hierarchy. In this context it’s no surprise that status oriented asian women born in the west have discerned white males typically bear more social cachet than any other group — it’s no wonder when all is said and done, many asian american women secretly (or not so secretly) carry a torch for the cliche abercrombie and fitch frat-boy white boy look — it’s actually quite obvious and sort of sad too lol
I love asian men, and am only attracted to them. Specifically south east asian, the darker ones. I am european, and grew up in Van since I was a kid. I notice that its much harder for me to not only meet, but attract my “type” I am starting to think that even though my past exes were asian, lots of asian men arent into white women… I see tons of my “Type” around.. online, offline, often times with basic asian women… or below basic… online dating wise.. I never get the asian men I WANT to contact me… the quality ones…only loser white boys.. or young casual fun seeking asian guys. Its definitely an enigma and I think about why this is a lot… that being said I refuse to give up as I like what I like and dont want to settle… but who does?
Xoxo you should move to DC. If you want you can add me on Facebook